DUNKIN DONUTS, LISTEN UP TUSCALOOSA

Listen Tuscaloosa, we’ve got a complicated relationship. You’re sort of like my Aunt who gets way too flirty after three white wine spritzers. I love you most of the time, but you creep me out a bit. Now, we know you all love the shit out of your chains. Your chain restaurants, your chain stores, your chain smoking. Usually we make fun of you for this because it is easy and we aren’t very bright. We just want to make sure you keep this chain affinity up because the new Dunkin Donuts is open on Lurleen Wallace and so help us god if you do not go there and spend your money so this thing never closes we will hunt you down and bury every last one of you. They have bagels motherfucker. They’re not great bagels, but they’re bagels. Real bagels. Not this round bread roll kinda bullshit publix and target try to pull. Real honest to god bagels.

So, let’s do our part here people. Go buy a coffee or some donuts or whatever. Just keep this place open.

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