Monthly Archives: April 2013

Yeah, But Can You Do Coke Off of It?

We’re not gonna make jokes, we’re just gonna slowly back away from this classified ad:

Vintage rape Glass top Table Set, Northport





Advertisements Columnist Tells Us Not to Make Argument No One is Making!!!!

Christ, I hate

Today Kevin Scarbinsky, who for some reason puts his last name in parentheses in headlines, said that we shouldn’t compare recently out NBA player Jason Collins to Jackie Robinson. Agreed. One would think Scarbinsky wrote this column because someone is making this comparison. You’d think he’d cite the comparison in his column to lend the whole basis for this column some credence. He doesn’t, because I don’t think anyone is. Seriously, so fucking dumb.

Naturally the comments on this piece, and the news piece ran earlier are incredibly stupid and backward. Most of it falls in the vein of “I DON’T CARE WHAT QUEERS DO BEHIND CLOSED DOORS S’LONG AS THEY DON’T TOUCH ME AND TURN ME” or “WHY IS IT A HATE CRIME TO CALL SOMEBODY QUEER BUT I CAYN’T BE HOMOPHOBIC BECAUSE I LOVE JESUS” line of bullshit that pops up any time a gender/gay issue shows up on

What the pigfucking hillbilly pieces of shit who post on can’t seem to grasp is that this an important moment for a number of reasons. 1. the hypocritical, conservative, religious strains that run through the black community make it very hard for black guys to come out. 2. Add to that the bullshit anti gay sentiment that runs through most professional sports. There, you’ve got yourself a big deal.

The dickhead, uneducated, scumball commenters on keep pointing at Greg Louganis and Martina Navratilova as previous examples of athletes who have come out. 1. Greg Louganis is a diver and no one, except for maybe my grandma, was shocked when he came out. 2. see aforementioned comments about men in major league sports being dicks about being gay.

Anyhoo, we’ll step off our soapbox now and close by saying “Fuck all of you commenters. You are the worst of this state and represent everything that is wrong with it and are the reason the rest of the country mocks us mercilessly.”

For Fuck’s Sake Tuscaloosa

Someone Really had to ask this?

Has anyone been to the new Cheddar’s yet?

Tried to go the other night but it looked slammed. Wondering how the food/service/atmosphere is.

I’ve never been to a Cheddars, but I’m thinking I can probably answer this question having never set foot inside: The atmosphere is dimly lit with wacky shit on the wall. There might be wheels on the chairs, a la Olive Garden, so your fupa doesn’t bind up against the table when you’re strappin on your feed bag. The waitstaff wears some sort of stripe, probably green and white if I had to guess. The food is mediocre white people food that probably borrows a few adjectives/ingredients from approachable ethnic food to make it feel wacky (Try our Chipotle Mac and Cheese Zingers!). The food is just a bit over priced just to make it feel fancy. The menu has pictures. So stock up on insulin and put on your eatin pants because Tuscaloosa has another shitty chain restaurant to take your best gal out to before you drive her home and have missionary sex while watching Trace Adkin videos.

LOL Crimson White

Humor, it’s not a term one generally associates with the Crimson White (see: every April 1st issue ever). But, we have to admit, we genuinely lightly chuckled at the CeeDub year in review issue. You can read it on the wretched isuu web site here (we hate this site, just give us a pdf yo, but click the link. It’s worth it.)

In their fare thee well issue the CeeDub takes some light potshots at AJ McCarron’s douchey penchant for bow ties and self shots, the incoherent ramblings of that one brodawg after the whole pledging mess and a bunch of other stuff. Solid work CeeDub.

We will miss all of you who are leaving: Will Tucker, Stephen Deathrage (you’re a senior right? and we know this isn’t your name, but it’s how we pronounce it in our heads and we don’t care), Tray “Traywalking” Smith, Sorelle Wyckoff (is she graduating? We’re just gonna pretend she is.)

Y’all done good this year. As much as we hate to admit it, we like when the CeeDub feels like an actual paper, when it tries to muster some righteous indignation in the face of a wholly apathetic student body that is more concerned with going mud riding and buying a new pair of Tory Burch wedges. Y’all fought the good fight this year. Hell, you even got called out by J-bo (we’ve been trying to get this done for years and have been failing miserably.) We wish you best of luck finding jobs in a dying industry, or hope that you had the good sense to pick up a business minor.

We’d like to buy one or two of you a Wednesday afternoon beer at Egans next week. Or Thursday, whatever. Really though, you’re graduating and this is your last chance for a Wednesday afternoon beer, until you realize a few years from now that you’re going to be 30 soon and nothing really matters and being at work drunk is actually kind of fun. You know where to find us.

One More Story

We really think should publish one more story about the explosion in Mobile. We’re not sure we’ve gotten the full story with these five:

Puttin On Our Nerdpants for a Mo

Lol, broke the story about Raspberry Pi’s today!

When we saw this headline we were quite sure that this article would be littered with misinformation and confusion, and it was:

Instead of an operating system like Windows, the Raspberry Pi runs on Linux, an open computer coding system

I’m sorry, wut? What is a “computer coding system”? Linux is an operating system doofus. Just because it uses a terminal (barely anymore) doesn’t make it a “coding system”. The windows/desktop options are actually fancier than what you’d find on a Windows desktop these days. See:

Ahahahaha, wut?

Users can create their own operating system using various downloads found on the internet.

Yep, installing programs makes it your “own” operating system. Granted, nerds can compile a completely custom kernel and such, but running “sudo apt-get install myballs” does not make it a custom operating system. It just installs myballs.

“The operating system, that’s the most difficult part for the average person to figure out.

Seriously dood? You have to download an iso and flash it to a drive. The average 19 year old who has had a computer his whole life can figure that out in 10 seconds.

Ok, nerdpants deactivate, we can hear your boredom.

Soooo, This is Confirmation Right?

That Guy Bailey was forced out for shutting down pledging?

JUDY BONNER IS FUCKING SENATOR PALPATINE YO! Not like having sex with him, but like, him. Think about it. She tells Jar Jar Binxs to call the emergency anonymous hotline and make a bunch of complaints about rush and then the Trade Federation executes article 36 and shuts down pledging and BOOOOOOOOM, J-bo is in charge and then some shifty construction starts near the Ferg.


obi-wan-kenobi copy

Do Something Good Today

Adopt this motherfucking dog. Look at this dog, adopt him. Go to his Facebook page and click like and share this little guy. God damn (please note: this post does not apply to undergrads who think it is acceptable to get a pet then ditch it a year later because they want to move to an apartment that doesn’t allow pets. Also, if you think spaying/neutering is weird, nope. Also, if you’re not going to take him to the dog park and socialize him, move along)

Awwwwwww pics:

This Wasn’t On the Syllabus!

When it’s a slow news day in Alabammer (which is pretty much every day) we usually end up trolling youtubes for Alabamians embarrassing themselves, then reddit/r/captsone, then we eventually find ourselves on the southern wasteland of Craigslist – get your shit together people, start using craigslist, it’s free!

Anyhoo, we stumbled upon this listing (warning: dongs be thar at link) today (added emphasis ours):

UA Prof looking to suck students – m4m – 39 (Tuscaloosa/N’port)

Me: Late thirties professional man, straight acting, 5 feet 11 inches, 280 lbs (if that’s a problem, go on to the next ad), six inches cut. Dark brown hair, blue eyes. Former fraternity at Alabama, and still act the same way. No one would ever guess, and discretion is both assured and expected. I teach classes at UA in addition to my professional day job.

You: 18-24, white, student at UA, with your own place on campus or nearby in Tuscaloosa, straight acting. Guys with girlfriends and esp. fraternity guys to the front.

What I’m looking for: I want to suck you dry before or after class, or sometime mutually convenient. You can reciprocate (I’d prefer it, of course), but don’t have to. One-time things are possible, but I’d really prefer an ongoing FWB situation.

HMU, guys. Roll Tide!

The big question is, of course, is this guy gonna forgive absences or give extra credit??? C’mon dood.

Ooohhhh, Hackers!

Did you hear about the “hacker” who took over DJ Fluker’s twitter account?

It is crazy. Some elite hacker hacked his twitter account and posted this:

I don’t mean to besmirch Mr. Fluker in any way, but if I had to guess, it would probably take all of 45 seconds to google the answers to his password reset questions on whatever email service he uses…or someone just guessed his twitter password. Hackers, they’re the worst.

Apparently all is good now and Mr. Fluker has reset his password and we can all rest easy in the fact that no Division 1 college football player has ever….ahahahahha, I can’t even finish that sentence. The worst thing about this “hacking” is that everyone is acting like these guys don’t get paid. Gimme a break. They do, and they should take money.