Monthly Archives: January 2013

Cecil Hurt: Shut Your Mouth

seriously, i’ve started to see way too many people dressed like humans and a few without racist hair cuts. keep it to yourself hurt, we don’t want them to know.

Alabama’s #1 City! (hint: it’s not actually a city)

Jesus christ al.com, naming a suburb as “number 1 city!” what’s next? olive garden as favorite restaurant? sadly i think this would be the case should any statewide poll be conducted. Anyway, al.com ran a stupid article about the 10 best “cities” (lol, cities in alabama) and mountain brook was the winner! it was the winner because it is painfully white and some of the shops look like an english village and all the white people make a lot of money y’all!

these lists are usually complete bullshit and this one is the bullshittiest of them all. here’s the only list you’ll ever need: all the cities in alabama suck a dick. they’re horribly planned, have few to no walkable areas, lack decent public transportation, are bereft of coffee shops and locally owned business of any sort. birmingham is trying, they’ve got like one street that almost looks like a real city…until you walk around a block and you are reminded that most of the city looks the zombie apocalypse started a month ago and omg you just woke up in a hospital where the fuck did all the people go?

One city that was shamefully left off this list is Florence. Florence actually has most of the shit you’d want in a city. It’s got some coffee shops ans restaurants. It’s got a world class fashion designer who seems to legitimately care about developing the community. It’s got the only Frank Lloyd Wright house in the state. It’s a place that doesn’t feel like the sort of place where a good old boy’s gonna call you a queer because your jeans fit. Look at it!

Tray Smith Thinks You Should All Have Guns!!

hi. i’m tray smith, opinions editor of the crimson white. i think kids, children really, who can barely cross the street should be running around campus with guns. it would be a really smart idea. i don’t know about you guys, but if i’m going to get into some shit, like if it’s really gonna go down, the person i want protecting me is a lambda chi with windswept bangs who’s been raised in the suburbs of birmingham and doesn’t realize that not everyone’s parents by them a bimmer on their 16th birthday. yeah, that’s the guy i want running around campus with a concealed weapon.

are you out of your ever loving fucking mind tray smith? seriously?

smith makes the brilliant case that guns deter crime you guys! he used a 2003 study published in the stanford law review. it’s a good thing that once these studies are published nine years ago that they become fact and no one ever does a study that could contradict them…or do they? holy shit, turns out they do! omg, i can look up studies too! here’s one from that same year published in the stanford law review! this study is a study of the study tray smith references! turns out maybe guns don’t lead to less crime after all.

While we do not want to overstate the strength of the conclusions that can be drawn from the  extremely variable results emerging from the statistical analysis, if anything, there is stronger evidence for the conclusion that these laws (concealed carry laws) increase crime than there is for the conclusion that they decrease it.

This is seriously the stupidest thing i’ve ever read. the. stupidest.

anyway, here’s a tray clip from the wayback machine, going all the way back to when he was the opinions editor, before he left that post to do “hard journalism” back when he was making sweet sweet videos which we found and loved (and the cw turned into a  feature without ever crediting us for realizing the unintentional comedy gold.)

(woah,  just had three tray smith videos going while m83 played in the background, it was like a conservative red pants remix.)

KEEP IT CLASSY, Y’ALL, ROLL TIDE (awkward high five.)

Alabama: You Nasty Today

Seriously Alabama. I know it’s been a while since you reminded the rest of the country that you are the most embarrassing state in the union, but let’s take it down a notch or two.

Up first, we have a doping scandal that could only come out of the heart of dixie. Bama players are shooting something called deer antler spray into their mouths before football games. Um. Wut? Insert your own tree stand/deer piss joke here.

The Tuscaloosa News actually ran this headline:

Abortions are infant sacrifices to radical feminism

Seriously, why are we letting people who think the bible is a history book say things in public anymore? Can’t we just buy an island or lay enough charges along the florida border to blow that sumbitch into the ocean and leave them there? Please?

And finally, this jerkoff actually made it to the front page of reddit today:

There was something else, but you know, it will be 10 other things in three days. Keep it classy Alabama, you’re proving them all wrong.

Katherine Webb is Riding Brent Musburger’s Lust Right to the D List

She’s gonna be on a “celebrity” talent show! Is it Dancing With the Stars? Is it Skating With the Stars? Has someone finally gotten their shit together and brought back Battle of the Network Stars in all its tubesocked 70’s glory? Nope. She’s gonna be on something called Celebrity Diving.

But she’s gonna be on a show with celebrities, real honest to god celebrities! Celebrities like Louie Anderson and Nicole Eggert! Calm down dear reader, uncle Ugly Tusk is gonna treat you right and explain who these folks are. Louie Anderson was a comedian who was in Coming to America (only god can help you if you don’t know that movie) and hosted the boring version of family feud. Then he got blackmailed by some guy he tried to bone because no one and I mean no one knew this guy was gay. Of course by no one I mean everyone. Nicole Eggert was an actress who was on Charles in Charge (remember when Jimmy Kimmel sang a TV theme show as Bob Dylan and you had to wikipedia what show he was singing about? That was Charles in Charge) and Baywatch a hundred years ago.

Yes folks, Miss Webb is really on her way. If things go as they should, she should dump AJ and be dating Scott Baio within a month.

Celebrity competition shows just ain’t what they used to be.

This Should Be a Shitshow

Well fuck. Wrote this earlier today and never posted it. Go go go, you still have time!!!!!!!!!!

Do you enjoy rubbing shoulders with the unwashed masses who probably have a dog called Bear, a tattoo of something houndstooth somewhere, absolutely have Alabama vanity plates and say stupid things like “I want my country back” and actually think they mean it?

Then you, good sir, are in luck because today you can have your picture taken with the National Championship trophy down at the local family Wal Mart Store. Nothing, to me anyway, says collegiate success and striving like the old Wal Mart. It really is a monument to higher learning. Hell, let’s start having all university related functions there, that’s what I say. Commencement, fuck yeah. We can have Lester the greeter play “Celebrating Achievement” over the loud speaker and everything!

Katherine Webb Has a Solid Fucking Head on Her Shoulders

and yes, it’s hot. Matt Lauer is trying real goddamn hard to make sure she was offended by Brent Musburger in this interview.

Webb, who has done at least one stupid thing by taking a job at Chic Fil A, is having none of it. Think maybe it’s because she’s a fucking beauty queen dating the quarterback of the best football team in the country? Christ, people are acting like Musburger pulled out his dong and abused himself in front of a 14-year-old nun who just happened to be walking by the football stadium. Anyway, it’s fucking football people. You’re perfectly ok with watching a bunch of black kids from shitty neighborhoods beat the christ out of each other for 60 minutes while only a few rich white guys make any money, but you’re gonna get your panties in a bunch because an announcer points out, admittedly in a sorta creepy way, that the quarterback’s girlfriend is hot?

This is the kinda shit that’s gonna make me go republican…or libertarian.

Oh Alabama, Sometimes I Love You

You ever see an illegal gambling operation in a movie? It’s usually a smokey opium den setup with a bunch of 362 year old asian men playing pai gow and at least one grizzled nam vet playing russian roulette. They’re kind of awesome.

Tuscaloosa police busted up a local illegal gambling ring the other day and it is exactly like an illegal gambling operation in a movie; except it’s just the opposite. There was an Asian fella involved – I think one asian fella is a legal requirement of any illegal gambling operation – but as far as I can tell, none of the other cool shit was in play at this illegal gambling operation.

But there was a guy called Wiley Pickens Gordon II arrested at the scene. Jesus christ if that ain’t the most goddamn Alabama name I ever heard I’ll suck the chaff off a steer penis. Not only is there already a Wiley Pickens Gordon, but there’s another one. I also enjoy his choice to go by the much more dignified “the second” as opposed to junior. Class act old Wiley Pickens Gordon II.

Welcome Back Bitches

Listen to this and give your ears gonorrhea

I’m still not sure why al.com ran a story about this mess of a “song” other than they fact that they probably got a poorly worded press release from the go bama girl herself. I actually went to go bama girl’s shitty web site to find out what her deal was. turns out her deal is mostly this stupid fucking song because it loads and starts playing every time you open a page on her site…way to go, people love that. Also there was this:

Jackie’s singing/songwriting Alabama mentors include, Matt Roberts of the “Three Doors Down” band,

wut?

though this is really my favorite part:

Jacqueline “Go Bama Girl” Citrin is set to debut her first project in collaboration with JRC Productions and the Jaxton Consulting Group

hmm, what could JRC in JRC productions stand for? Jacqueline Rsomething Critin perhaps? and Jaxton Consulting eh? Jackie = Jaxton? Who knows. People wouldn’t make up companies to make their projects sound more important, would they? Would they?