Monthly Archives: November 2012

Tuscaloosa, Get Stoked

December 6. Green Bar. Derobert and the Half Truths. I’m not even gonna write anything, I’m just gonna post a bunch of youtubes.

Soul people. If you want a break from cover bands and all the local bands that sound like 14 different bands at the same time, you should probably go to this show.

Someone’s Gonna Need to Explain This One To Me

Ok, this girl Summer Moody was shot in the head in April and died. She was shot because her and three of her friends were being dumbass 17-year-olds and breaking into “fishing camps”, whatever the fuck that is.

Turns out two fellas with guns saw the kids and fired warning shots (brilliant, fire warning shots at kids for acting like assholes.) One of the shots hit Moody and she died.

Now three people are in jail.

Was it the cowboys who came out with guns blazing?

Nope, it’s the three kids who were with her. And they’re being charged with murder. What. the. fucking. fuck. Am I missing something here? The guy who killed this girl got off, scott free, but the kids who were with her are on trial for murder?

Seriously, someone tell me I am reading this wrong. Thank god I grew up in a state that wasn’t lousy with gumps looking to shoot their guns at kids acting like assholes, I’d be dead 15 times over for some of the dumb shit I pulled when I was 17.

I’m Not Even Gonna Comment on This

Edit: Oops, here’s the link.

Seriously. I’m just going to post things from this opinion piece:

The bus has long been associated with what people often refer to as “the poor.” Not just in America, but everywhere else.

Ok, I can’t. You realize people up north, in large cities, ride the bus all the time? Ever heard of London? They have this crazy bus system that folks ride all the time. Even people going to finance jobs in the city! Sigh.

And it’s rather funny to stop and think that we still pride ourselves on dividing trains and airplanes into economy, business and first class without giving it a second thought. For hours and hours we are literally seated in rigid class formation, threatened by fines if we don’t obey the boundaries. But this has just become one of those things we all accept. Just as many people here accept that the Greyhound bus belongs to the underbelly of American society.

Just, wut?

They stared intently at their shabby suitcases before one of them said, “I ain’t got a bank account.” They launched enthusiastically into a conversation about unaffordable rent and where was best to hide your money if you don’t have the luxury of a bank to look after it for you.

I’m glad you read the Grapes of Wrath or Let Us Now Praise Famous Men and you think you are doing the same thing here. You are not.

I felt a little out of place sat with my copy of “Hamlet” and hummus sandwich.

Poor folks don’t read no books or eat no chickpeas!

Sigh.

PSA: Give This Girl a Few Dollars if You Can

Some asshole redneck piece of shit in Mobile beat up his sister’s girlfriend. Based on her hasty discharge and her family’s efforts to set up a fund to cover her medical bills, I’m guessing she doesn’t have insurance. You can make a donation at any Regions Bank in the name Mallory Owens. Deets:

Hey all, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about where people can make donations for Mallory Owens’s medical bills. The family says a donation fund has been set up in her name, and you can donate at any Regions Bank.

I dunno, maybe we should start a kickstarter for her too? Seems like we’d be able to get more of the kids that way.

The full story is here, warning this might be a trigger. The photo is pretty gruesome. Anyway, tell your friends about this or post here if you think we should do a kickstarter or some other crowdsourced way to raise some $$ that’s easier than going to a bank.

First 40 Days: The Judy Bonner Dance Party

It’s pretty standard for the press to take a look at what a new regime has accomplished in its first 100 days. Since we’re not the press, we decided to take a look at what our new dancy overlord has accomplished in her first 40 days, or whatever, since we have no clue how long it’s actually been and we’re too lazy to look it up.

Day 1: Soon after Guy Bailey’s suspicious departure and Bonner’s hush hush confirmation (we actually like to imagine it was a lot like Jar Jar Binks being appointed to the Senate in that one shit Star Wars movie where that happened) Bonner pumps up the jams in her office. Sources close to Bonner say the jam was either “Black Betty” by Ram Jam, “We Are Never Ever Getting in a Relationship at a 12 Year Old Level Again and Hopefully This Song Makes Emotionally Stunted People Feel Better” by Taylor Swifts or “Moon River.”

Day 2: Bonner announces a bold new initiative: Celebrating Achievement. Sources close to Bonner have told us that she was cautioned that this was too much, too soon; but Judy Bonner does not listen to your bullshit, Judy Bonner dances where she wants, when she wants.

Day 3: Celebrating Achievement is unleashed on an unsuspecting UA population.

Day 4: Judy Bonner sends you a stupid fucking email about a stupid fucking song being played in that incomprehensible “landmark” that looks like it was slapped together by the retarded Toll Brother, Stevie, who couldn’t make it in the McMansion business.

Day 5: See day 4.

Day 6: See day 4. And on and on.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SENDING US THIS DUMB SHIT ABOUT CELEBRATING ACHIEVEMENT. WE ALREADY GET ONE MILLION STUPID FUCKING EMAILS FROM YOU PEOPLE AND NO ONE, NOT EVEN THE PERSON BEING EARBLASTED WITH THIS “HONOR”, GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT IT.

I’m to annoyed and lazy to photoshop right now:

[insert Judy Bonner Dance Party photo]

Dear God CW.

Hipsters? Really? Hipsters?

Sigh, I get that it’s Alabama and we’re always 10 years behind; but seriously you guys, this argument, or whatever it is, has been hashed out in big cities, where actual “hipsters” live, and has been settled since before Animal Collective released that one album or something. This word means nothing and anyone who is still debating it is ridiculous. Actually it does mean something, it’s a general fucking empty term to describe someone who looks like they have spent some time living in a large city where lots of people ride bikes; whether they have or not. That’s it. And it’s dumb. And as far as “hipsters” here thinking they are better than run of the mill frat folks, guess what: they are. They at least have the balls to stop dressing like their fucking parents and probably listen to NPR and maybe have an itunes library that contains songs with lyrics that aren’t about “bein a goddamn usa lovin country pig fucking sumbitch.” Anyway, this shit’s dumb.

Why haven’t you guys impounded Sorelle Wyckoff’s computer yet? Seriously, why do you let her continue to “write” for the paper. Mother of God, at least edit her. I just can’t even begin to imagine the face the editor over there makes every time she turns something in. What the fuck does this even mean?

Tuscaloosa is so fabulous sometimes it overwhelms me. This is a deep-south college campus that has more David Yurman rings and Mercedes in one condensed area than the nearby country club. But I don’t mind the culture some students bring: high-fashion-esque outfits mixed with a southern drawl make a delicious combination irresistible to outsiders.

Also, are you fucking kidding me? Have you seen the way people on this campus dress? It’s a goddamn sartorial nightmare and nothing about Alabama is irresistible to outsiders. But it’s ok, because all this nonsense is in the service of setting up a hard hitting story on some news people really care about: cover charges and why bars charge them on game days. Take a fucking Econ 101 class before you write something like this. Arrrghghghghghgg.

Yet while Tuscaloosa’s night life is admittedly impressive, I have never been able to justify paying $20 to enter one of our bars – $5 or $10 is even pushing it.

Oh child, Tuscaloosa’s night life is a joke. Sure if you like shitty cover bands and terrible top 40 dj’s with names like DJ Bear Bryant and DJ Houndstooth and DJ 14 National Championships, then you’re in heaven. But otherwise, it’s garbage. The beer is cheap is really all that ever needs to be said about Tuscaloosa’s night life.

Alabama Secceession!

Did you hear about the guy who wants to secceed from the union? Well, he’s exactly what you’d expect him to be, which is:

a truck driving, knife collecting former owner of a topless car wash who describes himself as “an absolute Libertarian.”

Look at him, using a computer and everything. It’s sorta like watching a dog drive a car.

If This Person Weren’t So Stupid

They’d be a goddamn genius. I’m talking about this opinion piece on bikes in the CeeDub (no word on what wife of who ordered this piece to be run.)

I mostly agree with this, and therein lies the problem. This is such shitty writing that I’m actually annoyed about something I agree with. There’s also a lot of dumb shit in this. Por ejemplo:

The question is: do bikes really get you to class faster?

Yes, yes, they do you fucking twit. You see, bikes move faster than peoples. Also, it’s decent exercise (working under the assumption that bikers are riding from home instead of whatever lot you parked in that is .5 miles from class and you still insist on bitching about.) Also, bikes don’t have that pesky carbon emission problem.

Have you ever seen your life flash before your eyes as a bike quickly maneuvers around you from behind? Are you a victim of assault by bike? You are not alone!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Who edited this alarmist piece of shit with these dumb questions? Fucking hell. My head’s gonna explode. I need to go bite a rolled up towel for at least the next 42 minutes.

Crimson White Runs a Plant Column

Crimson White turns into a plant. No, I don’t mean that the Ceedub is writing about herbs and such. What they did do is run a column about how the fans should stay for the entire game. First of all, that shit cray. Schedule some decent games not meant to pad your schedule – oops, can we talk about this now? – and we will stay for the whole game.

But whatever. What’s getting under my craw is the timing of all this. See, this column ran Nov. 8.

Now, I heard from a little birdy that all the heads of folks with block seating were called to a SPECIAL EMERGENCY MEETING that same week. What was this meeting about you ask? Well it seems that Miss Terry, yes that Ms. Terry, Ms. Terry Saban, was straight up pissed that students were leaving the game before half.

Which brings us back around to the CeeDub that mysteriously ran what I think is an editorial column, who fucking knows these days b/c the web site is such a spotty mess these days but it’s attributed to the managing editor, THAT SAME WEEK.

Again, I can’t tell who wrote this fucking thing. If it’s a letter to the editor, then by all means carry on. If it came from the staff, though, shame on you.

Way to maintain your independence and integrity ceedub.

TL;DR: Terry Saban is pissed at student leaving football games early. CW mysteriously runs a column encouraging fans to stay at the games longer the same week that Terry Saban gives it to the SGA, who then gives it to block seating head. Curious, no?