Monthly Archives: September 2012

More Frat News, Frattin So Hard Pt 2: Frat With a Vengence

Ooooooh, the plot thickens. According to the CeeDub, an emergency meeting was called of all high ranking officials just before pledge was suspended. Dean of Students Tim Hebson had this to say:

“Next week we’re taking a week off,” Hebson said. “It has nothing to do with like, what one website just said, Kelly Johnson and this Sigma Chi situation. Nothing at all to do with any of that. We are going to start this as a tradition that that week will be a week off.”

Hmm, does Tim Hebson read the Tusk? Maybe. But we find the timing all a little too convenient and we’re pretty sure the whole “IT’S A NEW TRADITION AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING GUYZ!” line is some kinda fancy PR-speak.

We’re still pretty sure this had everything to do with the Sigma Chi incident; with a dash of warring frats vandalizing their mansions thrown in for good measure.

We’re just really happy that he university decided to give the frats a weekend to beat the christ out of these 18-year-old boys before pledge was hastily suspended. Brilliant. It’s ok though, I’m sure someone is going to really take a hard look at the pledge process and decide that humiliating yourself to pay for the privilege of joining a racist drinking club maybe doesn’t make so much sense in 2012. Or not.


Frat Frat Frat Frat Frat Frat

So much frat news this week b/c bros are fratting so hard. Did you hear that the U suspended pledge? They did. I’m guessing it has something to do with a football player and Sigma Chi Bro Kelly Johnson, ha! he has a girl’s name, kicking the snot out of a pledge two years ago. Awesome. You have to love a university that not only endorses but seems to go to great ends to placate this archaic segment of the student population. Why does this university support these drinking clubs so fully? Then they can’t understand that 18 year old kids are being abused by the 20 year old dipshits who are supposed to be responsible for them and guide them into the “brotherhood.”

That’s to say nothing of the the institutionalized racism that comes hand in hand with these stupid clubs. It’s not 1964 UA. If you ever want to be considered among the best state schools in the country it’s time to relegate these stupid institutions to the backburner, the way most large colleges in the northeast have. Instead of them being hives of aspiring politicians who will go on to continue to bankrupt this state b/c taxes are socialist and muslim! Let’s make them what they’ve become up north, houses where sad men who have never seen a vagina can actually get laid by providing alcohol and a terrible dj.

Ugh, the comments on this story are disgusting:

Drink ’til you puke. Great idea. Better idea. Lay off the sauce, don’t wait two years before filing a lawsuit, and grow up.

Let’s see… a Frat party? Check.
Alcohol? Check.
College students? Check.
Fight? No way!

Get drunk, puke your guts out, get your tail whipped…and sue?

I really hate these people. So let’s get this straight, you’re pledging a bullshit institution and one of your brothers kicks you while you’re puking. You get pressured by 60 other brothers to keep your mouth shut if you want to be part of the brotherhood. Maybe over the course of a year and a half you grow up a little bit and start to realize that your “brotherhood” is bullshit and maybe you didn’t deserve to be kicked while you puked by a fucking football player and maybe you realize it’s time to take action. Everyone is fired up about it being two years, which is nothing, however 18 to 20 can mean a world of difference in maturity and realizing that frats are bullshit and you might have some recourse for being assaulted while you puked. Sayin.

You Should Go to This….Hippies

I’m not real good at taking press releases and rephrasing them, and somebody already went to the trouble to write this, so I’m just gonna post it here. Go to this, k?

Green Drinks at The Southern Letterpress

Wednesday, September 26, 5-7 p.m.

417 Main Avenue in downtown Northport
Next to Anders Hardware

Come enjoy the company of like-minded people and print, for free, your own (new, improved and typo-free) ALBAMA MY HOME card on the amazing Vandercook printing press! Also, pick up a free “FU BP” or “I LOVE THE GULF COAST” sticker.

Snacks and ice will be provided, but please bring your own beverages.

Green Drinks is a casual assemblage of people in the Tuscaloosa area interested in working together on local environmental and sustainability issues. We meet about once a month to socialize, network and develop ideas. Come find out more, or join the mailing list here: or on Facebook: Green Drinks Tuscaloosa.

The Southern Letterpress is a new printshop in downtown Northport, Alabama, whose mission is to provide the Southeast area with highly crafted and sustainably made letterpress art work and graphic design, printed using manually operated printing presses and movable type. Find out more on our website:

The ALABAMA MY HOME sticker was designed by Jessica Peterson as part of a series of five stickers about the BP Gulf Coast oil spill in April of 2010. It was only recently that a typo was noticed, and now, on Wednesday, will be rectified!

Hope to see you there!


Jesus Christ White People

Hey guyz, remember last year when you were really militant about bringing justice to those savages in africa and the only way they could ever be helped was by some white people riding in on their white horses and clicking on facebook links and buying sweet “action packs” to save them because you were all going to get that kony guy!?!?!?

Of course you don’t. You’ve moved onto your new iphones and galactic s4 bullshits or whatever you like. You could give a shit less about Kony or Africa anymore because, crazy as this seems, Facebook slacktivism doesn’t do a fucking thing!

Well, the honors college assembly isn’t going to let you off the hook that easy. They’re going to make sure that you keep half-assing it by showing Invisible Children’s 2009 film “the Rescue.”

Fuck. We were hoping once the CEO jerked off on a few hyundais that this whole thing would go away. But it hasn’t. Sigh. So go get some bracelets or whatever to help these white people feel better about themselves.

Soon enough it will be time for the ultra insulting Sleep Out on the Quad to raise awareness about Homelessness While We Watch a TV and Wear our $45 Shoes But OMG They Donate One Fucking Pair of These Shoes That Cost Four Cents to Manufacture to Poor People Who Don’t Need Shoes!!!!


Update! This video of the Invisible Children guy is too good not to share. Click the link. Then read the comments. They are amazing.

CW Commentor Doesn’t Understand What a Scientific Theory Is

Ok, I’m not even gonna talk about how this column is basically boiled down and alabamasized and turned into a column. I’m also not even gonna reference that my arguments about what a scientific theory is vs. what the word theory means when you and me use it rhetorically also come from /r/atheism. I just want you to read this comment and shake your head.

Wayne Hollyoak30 minutes agoDarwin was angry with his Creator and his “theory” that “natural selection” was capable of engineering all living things that have existed on this planet was his attempt to justify himself. His ideas turned his young daughter away from the Christian faith before her death. That coupled with Huxley’s pushing him to publish “Origin” so that he could “stick it” to the church that both men hated. Sadly, he caved in and published. Sadly, many believed his “natural selection” creation myth. So, now “science” wants to indoctrinate all of us with it’s weird notion that all of nature just invented itself. At least the “young earth” camp got the “origins” part right. I think “science” would do better if it stuck with subjects we understand a little better like “osmosis”, “ecology”, “cell division” and stuff like that.


Ok, Imma go tell Wayne that he’s a dummy.

Harvey Updike Does UA Proud Again

Our tree poisoning gump has found himself at odds with the law again. Have no fear, though, this latest issue also revolves around landscaping concerns. Updike apparently bought a lawnmower at a Lowes and legally lusted to lavish his lawn with it but lamentably listed back to Lowes to leave the lawnmower there only to learn that Lowes lowered the value.

The situation escalated, cops were called, blah blah blah, another black eye for Alabama.


It’s been all of three weeks since Alabama embarrassed itself on the national stage. Thankfully Jarvis M. Britton  of Birmingham came along before Mississippi started getting too big for its britches. This dummy was arrested for making threats against the president. Here’s what he said:

An affidavit filed by Secret Service agent Phillip G. Holley states that Britton tweeted “Free speech? Really? Let’s test this! Let’s kill the president” and “I’m going to finish this, if they get me, they get me! (hash)ohwell. I think we could get the president with cyanide. (hash)MakeItSlow.”

What? I just yelled fire in a crowded theater, no big. Ugh, what a fucking dumbass. No doubt this guy is a commenter at

Well now I’m really confused. I facebooked this kid, click at your own risk as there are many shirtless/awkward outie belly button profile photos. I have to admit, I was expecting more of the redneck guns and freedom, read: white, type. Not this guy.

This, and the presence of a 4chan mask on his facebook, probably explains everything:

So last night playing call of duty mw3 me and a racist was going back and fourth with each other, but turned out we both was just assholes!

I’m talking about the call of duty part. Anybody who knows anything knows that anybody who plays this game regularly is a special kind of asshole.

This Shirt

Buy it. Buy it now.

thanks to tuscaloser at /r/capstone for this. give him some karma if you’ve got an account.

Say It CeeDub

Nathan James, you awesome sonofabitch. Look at this column you wrote. It’s timely, it argues a position and it’s dead fucking write. Kudos chap. Kudos.

This bit was my favorite:

There’s one thing that is certain about these messages; no one has revised their own views on abortion because of them.

Ok, Imma go get on facebook and tell my friends what a dick Paul Ryan is.

Seriously, that guy is a dick.

White Freshmen Tells Ladies About Block Seating and Fraternities About Racism

It’s not even that I’m annoyed by a white guy speaking for ladies and minorities, I mean that’s what the Republicans are for, amirite?

What really annoys me about this letter to the editor by a freshman “from the north” is the ridiculous fucking deference shown to the greek system. As if criticizing them opens up this kid to a host of retaliation and ostracism. Maybe he’ll be dressed like a crow and hung upside down on a cross outside Paty for criticizing frats. Or not.

This bit is what I’m talking about:

I had wished to remain anonymous because of the polarity of this issue; however, this is forbidden by the CW, which I understand. Like I said before, I do think fraternities and sororities are great organizations beyond the campus and college years. I do not want to hinder any possible chances I have of getting into one of these groups because of its great benefits – even aside from block seating. After considering it, I realized this is my opinion, not yours. Also, I am not bashing the greek life; I am actually saying it has the right to block seating and has done nothing wrong.

Sigh, seriously? This guy shouldn’t be afraid to voice an opinion that doesn’t jibe with the frats. Also, there was this statement:

I am not saying fraternities and sororities are racist, because they definitely are not.

No son, that’s the thing, they are racist. Totally and completely racist. Though I heard one of the frats on old row has a member now whose great, great grandmother once shared a Pullman car with a Mulato. That’s practically a minority!