No, Alston Noah, No

Alston Noah, the misguided UA fan who’s trying to raise money for Penn State, posted on our Facebook wall. Here’s what he posted:

Get your facts straight before you post/print. Money is raised for scholarships.​Elephants-for-Lions

He also posted this paragaph from his indiegogo thing:

All funds raised will be given to Penn State University in October 2012. The President of the Student Government Association will have the responsibilty to direct the funds in his/her best efforts to promote the Mission of Penn State University by providing Academic Scholarships.

Hmm, this paragraph looks a little different than what Noah orginally posted. We expected some backpedaling from this dood, so we copied the original text for his fundraiser:

Its time to step in and help. All funds raised will be given to Penn State University in October 2012. The President of the Student Government Association will have the responsibilty to direct the funds in his/her best efforts to promote the Mission of Penn State University.

You’ll note the abscence of scholarship info. Ok fine, he wants to raise money for scholarships. That’s still very dumb (see: Penn State’s $1.7 billion endowment) but whatever. Also, I don’t think Alston realizes that while SGA is model UN for frat bros in the south, SGA up north is model UN for kids with light political aspirations. Why would he give this money to the SGA president? The mind wobbles.

What we still take issue with is this particular section of Alston’s stupid fundraiser:

It is important to college football Penn State return to an athletic powerhouse as soon as possible. The NCAA has spoken but so many innocent fans and players were punished for the criminal acts of one.

Sigh. These were not the “actions of one” that led to the punishment of others. Penn State is not the fucking victim. Penn State’s program is being punished because that program led to systemic cover ups that allowed children to be fucked in program facilities. By raising money for this pogram and saying it was only the actions of one you are buying into everything that led to this problem. Ugh, no you dummy. It’s this sort of logic that got Penn State in trouble in the first place. I again encourage Alston, if you are anything less than a blithering idiot, to please donate this money to the victims or folks in similar situations.

Since I am feeling benevolent, here is how your fundraiser should read:

As a lifelong Alabama fan and UA grad, I was pained when I saw what happened at Penn State. To say there are paralllels between my collegiate and fan experience and those in Happy Valley would be putting it lightly. State College is football country the same way Tuscaloosa is.

I am an educated individual and I recognize that it was a culture of hero worship and demagoguery that led this corruption to take root. While I pray a tragedy such as this should never befall anyone associated with Crimson Tide football, I think it is important that we all take a step back.

That’s why I am raising money as an Alabama fan for [insert non-profit here] in solidarity of those students and Penn State alumni who are equally sickened by this tragedy. I do this for us, and them, because in the end football is just a game. It’s a hell of a game. It’s a game that can shake us to our souls and raise us to the heavens. But it’s just a game. And I know in my heart of hearts that no game won, no season, no coach, no program is worth the innocence of one child.

I’m going to take off my ugly tusk hat for a minute here and try to write like a normal human being. Mr. Noah, I am appealing to your better nature. I am sure you are doing this with the best of intentions. Please, take out the language about “one man” and Penn State needing to be an athletic powerhouse again. Please, donate this money to a non profit. Donate the funds to Penn State’s THON. Donate the funds to RAINN. You have an opportunity to turn this into a good thing that every Alabama student, Alumni and fan can be proud of. Please take it.


3 thoughts on “No, Alston Noah, No

  1. 4E says:

    You’ve restored part of the faith humanity this cause originally made me lose, so there’s that.

    • Sandy Norris says:

      Let me start by saying ROLL TIDE!! I agree with Mr. Noah, and for anyone to even think that this post was anything but a sincere gesture to help right a wrong is just absurd. You might say that he was linguistcally incorrect, but for you who insist on insulting him in his attempt to do something good, please come up out of the cave you live in and join the real world and praise him for trying to bring light to a darkened situation. Rock On Mr. Noah, ROLL TIDE!! and yes They still are PENN STATE!!! For those of you that feel the need to post a negative response to this let me give you a piece of advice ” It is better to be labeled a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!”

  2. uglytusk says:

    Thank you for your comment, three months later. You do realize that Mr. Noah admitted I was right and changed the wording of his drive to match, word for word, the wording I suggested, right? Then he abandoned the whole thing about a week later because he probably finally realized that Penn State was gonna be ok with its $1.83 BILLION dollar endowment.

    Now, I think you should go back to polishing your bear bryant statue or watching old bama tapes from the 80’s or whatever it is you do with your time. The adults are trying to have a conversation here.

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