Monthly Archives: July 2012

Yakamoz!!!!!

Yakamoz is open in Temerson Square. Go go go go go go go go go!

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Ok, It’s Almost There

I’ll be damned, Alston Noah proves he’s not a bad guy. He’s updated his fundraiser to read:

Elephants for Lions Campaign

I love college football and I want to help Penn State but need your help. Donate $10 and then spread the word.

As a lifelong Alabama fan and UA grad, I was pained when I saw what happened at Penn State. To say there are paralllels between my collegiate and fan experience and those in Happy Valley would be putting it lightly. State College is football country the same way Tuscaloosa is.

While I pray a tragedy such as this should never befall anyone associated with Crimson Tide football, I think it is important that we all take a step back.

That’s why I am raising money as an Alabama fan for Academic Scholarships in solidarity of those students and Penn State alumni who believe in the mission of a public university. I do this for us, and them, because in the end football is just a game. It’s a hell of a game. It’s a game that can shake us to our souls and raise us to the heavens. But it’s just a game. And I know in my heart of hearts that no game won, no season, no coach, no program is worth the innocence of one child.

All funds raised will be given to Penn State University in October 2012. The President of the Student Government Association will have the responsibilty to direct the funds in his/her best efforts to promote the Mission of Penn State University through Academic Scholarships.

We still wish the funds were going to a non-profit, but this feels a lot more right. Here’s the link to his fundraiser, let’s give these folks some money. Hopefully the SGA at Penn State will funnel it to help past and future victims.

Good on ya Alston.

No, Alston Noah, No

Alston Noah, the misguided UA fan who’s trying to raise money for Penn State, posted on our Facebook wall. Here’s what he posted:

Get your facts straight before you post/print. Money is raised for scholarships. http://www.indiegogo.com/​Elephants-for-Lions

He also posted this paragaph from his indiegogo thing:

All funds raised will be given to Penn State University in October 2012. The President of the Student Government Association will have the responsibilty to direct the funds in his/her best efforts to promote the Mission of Penn State University by providing Academic Scholarships.

Hmm, this paragraph looks a little different than what Noah orginally posted. We expected some backpedaling from this dood, so we copied the original text for his fundraiser:

Its time to step in and help. All funds raised will be given to Penn State University in October 2012. The President of the Student Government Association will have the responsibilty to direct the funds in his/her best efforts to promote the Mission of Penn State University.

You’ll note the abscence of scholarship info. Ok fine, he wants to raise money for scholarships. That’s still very dumb (see: Penn State’s $1.7 billion endowment) but whatever. Also, I don’t think Alston realizes that while SGA is model UN for frat bros in the south, SGA up north is model UN for kids with light political aspirations. Why would he give this money to the SGA president? The mind wobbles.

What we still take issue with is this particular section of Alston’s stupid fundraiser:

It is important to college football Penn State return to an athletic powerhouse as soon as possible. The NCAA has spoken but so many innocent fans and players were punished for the criminal acts of one.

Sigh. These were not the “actions of one” that led to the punishment of others. Penn State is not the fucking victim. Penn State’s program is being punished because that program led to systemic cover ups that allowed children to be fucked in program facilities. By raising money for this pogram and saying it was only the actions of one you are buying into everything that led to this problem. Ugh, no you dummy. It’s this sort of logic that got Penn State in trouble in the first place. I again encourage Alston, if you are anything less than a blithering idiot, to please donate this money to the victims or folks in similar situations.

Since I am feeling benevolent, here is how your fundraiser should read:

As a lifelong Alabama fan and UA grad, I was pained when I saw what happened at Penn State. To say there are paralllels between my collegiate and fan experience and those in Happy Valley would be putting it lightly. State College is football country the same way Tuscaloosa is.

I am an educated individual and I recognize that it was a culture of hero worship and demagoguery that led this corruption to take root. While I pray a tragedy such as this should never befall anyone associated with Crimson Tide football, I think it is important that we all take a step back.

That’s why I am raising money as an Alabama fan for [insert non-profit here] in solidarity of those students and Penn State alumni who are equally sickened by this tragedy. I do this for us, and them, because in the end football is just a game. It’s a hell of a game. It’s a game that can shake us to our souls and raise us to the heavens. But it’s just a game. And I know in my heart of hearts that no game won, no season, no coach, no program is worth the innocence of one child.

I’m going to take off my ugly tusk hat for a minute here and try to write like a normal human being. Mr. Noah, I am appealing to your better nature. I am sure you are doing this with the best of intentions. Please, take out the language about “one man” and Penn State needing to be an athletic powerhouse again. Please, donate this money to a non profit. Donate the funds to Penn State’s THON. Donate the funds to RAINN. You have an opportunity to turn this into a good thing that every Alabama student, Alumni and fan can be proud of. Please take it.

They’re Coming, They’re Coming, They’re Coming

Yes folks the annual Running of the Anachronism is coming. With Record Numbers this year!

We’re wholly confused by this university’s quaint attachment to the greek system. We’re even more confused by the university’s complicit nature in encouraging these outated institutions (early rush, allowing the Machine to exist and flourish.) We’re even more confused by 21st century women wanting to belong to these insitutions, especially here where the Machine will help them get elected homecoming queen; but shan’t ever elect someone with a vagina SGA President (you don’t want someone who gets “emotional” once a month with their finger on the button, amirite fellas?)

The fucked up thing about early rush is that it teaches these girls to put their sorority and the greek system above all else. By the time they sit down in their first class they’ve already pledged their allegiance to the friends that have deigned to let them pay for their companionship. There’s already a wall built up between them and their lady GDI counterparts (gross, they wear jeans to class and dress like people.)

This university will never reach the prominence it yearns for – judging by cramming as many folks as possible onto campus, occupancy restraints be damned – until it starts treating these clubs like what they are: outdated social organizations that enforce hetero-normative gender binaries and foist oppressive social constructs on anyone outside their creepy little circle (hot damn, that’s some fine writin.)

Never forget:

Is it Just Me?

Or does Darth Bentley look like he’s holding in a big doodie in this picture?

Alston Noah: UA Dummy

Oh man, UA Grad Alston Noah is singlehandedly putting every JoePa apologist to shame with this. You see he’s trying to raise money for Penn State. Is he raising money for Sandusky’s victims? No. Is he raising money for other victims of childhood sexual abuse? No. Is he trying to raise awareness? No.

He is, fuck I can’t even type this myself. I’ll let Alston (sidebar: what the fuck hell kind of name is Alston?) speak for himself:

It is important to college football Penn State return to an atheletic powerhouse as soon as possible. The NCAA has spoken but so many innocent fans and players were punished for the criminal acts of one.

This is so misguided and dunderheaded that I don’t even know where to begin. It’s like this guy realized there was a shameful, awful thing going on in the national media and this guy felt bad because Alabama hadn’t embarrassed itself in two weeks. This guy is a fucktard of the highest order. I just don’t even know.

Here is the link for his “fundraiser.” I’m only posting this here so you can go tell this guy what a fucking dumbass he is. Please, for the love of all things holy, do not follow his mother’s example by giving him money.

Props to theBgrass for the tip.

Edit, here’s this guy’s doucheface:

(you can’t see them, but trust us his thumbs are pointing at himself.)

Edit: Ok, I really can’t let this go. I read some more of this dummy’s nonsense about this campaign. It could be construed that he wants this money to benefit the university. Granted this is giving this guy way too much credit what with his reference to making Penn State “an NCAA powerhouse again.” But he does want the money to be given to the president of their SGA, brilliant, to forward “Penn State’s mission.” This is where the bullshit logic that football is so entrenched in a university that without a football team the school could not possibly survive. I hate to shit on your parade Alston, but Penn State has a $1.708 Billion endowment. Yes, that is billion. Academics at Penn State are not going to suffer. Sure, promising students may choose to go elsewhere as a result of this black eye, but there will be no lack of funding. Penn State has an enormous system, it’s huge. It makes UA look like a community college. The university has 95,000 students across the entire system. They do not need your money or a football team to survive. This awful tragedy may actually start to place academics first without this bullshit logic that you adhere to that a school without a football team is somehow crippled. If you happen to read this you poor, misguided soul, I urge you to rethink this stupid, stupid idea and direct these funds where they are actually needed: to help these victims recover, to help prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future, to help other victims all over the country.

Update 3: Sigh, people on the twitter think this is a good idea?

 

 

This guy nails it:

 

So There’s This

I don’t have cable (I’ll thank to keep your liberal, hipster jokes to yourself.) As such, I routinely miss out on one of my favorite things: local TV news and programming. I love it. The poor production values, the shitty writing, the unintentional comedy, all of it.

I was kinda delighted when I found Alabama Music Scene TV Dot Net. This is basically the web equivalent of local TV. Questionable web design, a “crazy host” and photobooth backgrounds that, well, they speak for themselves:

Real talk though, this guy is tryin to do something cool and we respect his efforts. He talks about local dances at about 12:00 minutes. Anybody wanna go two-steppin?

In other music news, this band called the Faggetes (I know, that name. At first I thought it was going to be a band of 13-year-old Call of Duty enthusiasts) are playing the Green Bar on Friday. Name aside, they’re actually decent. They kinda sound a lil Beach Housey with a lil Harlem and an overall garage vibe. Could be a fun show?

Fucking hell, bandcamp doesn’t want to encode. Click this link to listen.

Wow Tuscaloosa News, Way to Pander

Sigh, we’ve avoided the Chic Fil A kerfuffle for a number of reasons. They are: 1. we’d like to believe that readers of the Tusk are members of the enlightened minority in the state who view the right for gays to marry as a civil rights issue. We further believe that our readers remember that, at one time, Alabama was ground zero for the civil rights movement and carry that torch proudly in this issue (let’s get real for a sec, it’s one of the few proud torches we can carry.) 2. Bullshit politics and religion aside, Chic Fil A is fucking gross. 3. They’re assholes who sued the Eat More Kale guy and everybody should also hate them for that.

But we can’t ignore this issue anymore since the Tuscaloosa News posted a stupid, stupid, stupid editorial about Chicago and Boston’s response to Chic Fil A. We’d like to believe that the whole Chic Fil A hates the gays thing is gaining momentum because they’re trying to push into the northeast and the northeast is all like “no sir, we won’t be having your hating and religious bullshit here. Suck a dick.” Let’s take a look at the dumb shit said in this editorial.

Does the mayor not realize that the city of Chicago doesn’t get to create a set of political or religious values that it can impose as a litmus test to determine whether it will issue business licenses and building permits?

It is frightening to think that a man who would so quickly deny such a fundamental right once had, and may still have, the ear of the president of the United States.

Oh, ok Chic Fil A has rights, but gays don’t? Sorry, this is bullshit. You can’t condemn people for wanting the same chance to be miserable and get divorced and have a sexless marriage as straight folks then expect people to welcome you with open arms. Get fucked whoever wrote this. Moving on.

The efforts of Moreno, Emanuel and Menino reek of the hysterical fanaticism and excess that has come to define this issue, and it is unacceptable in a country where religious and political freedoms are guaranteed.

Good point, there is a lot of hysterical fanaticism about this issue. Granted most of it is based on a few thousand year old text that says you should be stoned if you mix fabrics, eat swine or touch a woman while she has her period. This same text also talks about dragons and says the world was created in six days. It also treats women like property.

We encourage everyone with a brain to comment on this story. Make sure Tuscaloosa knows that we are not all assholes. Write a letter to the Tuscaloosa News. Tell them they’re better than this. Fuck.

AL.com Columnist Tries to Stir Up Shitstorm

Fails miserably. J.D. Crowe is like the less funny version of the Tusk, except he gets paid and talks about sports more. Well today he posted a column (I refuse to call this dood a blogger) because he is outraged, outraged, that someone would dare question the character of Nick Saban.

Apparently some agent said this:

“You want to know who’s watching them? Nick Saban. You want to trust Nick Saban? I have enough on Saban right now — and I realize this stuff gets out, and I also realize the truth is a defense. I know what goes on in college football, so cut me a break.

“Everybody has something on Nick Saban, for God’s sake. And if he has a problem with anything I say, come on after me, big guy.”

Crowe says this guy is saying Saban is cheating. I say this guy is just saying that Saban is doing what every D1 college coach does: paying the athletes who pay his salary. Seriously, there should be no outrage about this anymore.

Anyway, the TeeNews ran this “cartoon” about the issue which Crowe apparently drew:

Sigh. I get that Crowe doesn’t want to think that The Coach is cheating, but nobody said he is. Is he giving perks to players that the NCAA would probably frown upon? Undoubtedly. Why do I think this? Because I am a grownup. Because I don’t think division 1 football players are amateur athletes anymore than our Olympic basketball team. Also, when I see a football player driving an Escalade with a handicap tag I don’t think that either of them were procured through NCAA sanctioned channels.Truth is, I don’t really give a shit.

You’ll notice this cartoon makes reference to Penn State. Kinda funny, no? I mean, it’s not like the whole “Coach is infallible” routine caused them any problems, right?