Best of lists in areas where small business and independent eateries exist are a contentious notion, at best. They often spark argument between pals and lead to one calling another an ill-informed asshole. But they may lead to someone trying a new restaurant or taqueria or phu joint. I don’t imagine the Tuscaloosanews’ best of list producing the same debate. It will be a glorious shit show wherein chains will undoubtedly win categories such as “best italian” and “best pizza.”
We’re going to save you some time and give you the straight poop. Here are the only answers you need to the Tuscaloosanews’ best of poll.
1. Best Sushi – That place near the Indian buffet isn’t awful, but considering that any sushi joint in town makes 90% of its money on California rolls, well, there’s not much reason to set the bar above “white boy from west alabama palate.”
2. Best Asian Food – ha! Seriously. ha!
3. Best Margarita – people actually drink these fucking things? El Rincon is going to win this one, moving on.
4. Best Barbecue (not just ribs!) – I don’t know and frankly I really don’t care.
5. Best Ribs – now this just seems redundant.
6. Best Sauce – sriracha. This seems like an odd one.
7. Best Wings – gross.
8. Best Tea – fuck you and your fancy tea Tuscaloosa News.
9. Best Pizza – why is this even a question? why is this an option? There’s only one place in town that serves fucking pizza. There’s only one place that doesn’t serve pizza food product. Seriously. Fuck.
10. Best Fried Green Tomato – Kathy Bates.
11. Best meat-and-three – no sir.
12. Best Steak – Steak/Tuscaloosa does not compute.
13. Best frozen treat – what the fuck does this mean? Is there a cabal of secret ice cream men patrolling 15th street that I am unaware of? help.
14. Best Dessert – TCBY. You can pour it yourself and put your own toppings on it.
15. Best Mexican food – Sigh, it was that taqueria on 15th. But, now it’s the carniciera on 15th (near the Indian place) you are welcome assholes. El Rincon is not Mexican food!
16. Best Seafood – no, no, we won’t be having any of this.
17. Best Wine List – I just spit coffee on my monitor. Literally.
18. Best Sandwich – Not enough Italians in this town for this question to be even remotely relevant.
19. Best Burger – Shame eating a Mugshots burger is one of my greatest pleasures. It’s still a shitty burger.
20. Best Coffee –
21. Best Cocktail – a bud heavy with my bros.
22. Best Fine Dining – tears.
23. Best Biscuits – I don’t fucking know. Do you think they poll people in areas with lots of good restaurants asking who has the best fucking dinner rolls?!?! They don’t. Christ.
24. Best Beer Selection – ahahah. “Oh dood, they have delerium tremens, it’s high gravity.” Fuck you and your high gravity bullshit. No one anywhere with a decent beer scene calls this shit “high gravity” sure “craft beer” is just a douchey, but at least it makes sense.
25. Best Outdoor Seating – For the one week a year it’s not too hot or raining.
26. Best Tattoo Parlor – any one that is not here.
27. Best Female Athlete – a gymnast
28. Best Male Athlete – fucking hell, how long is this quiz?
29. Favorite Coach – Craig T. Nelson motherfucker.
30. Best Tuscaloosa Radio Personality – oh, all the douchelords at 94.1. I love them.
31. Best Tuscaloosa TV Personality – this is a joke question, right?
32. Best Local Musician or Band – …
33. Best Local Artist – the dbag who’s been tagging northport lately. He is awesome. So good. Seriously.
34. Best former Alabama Athlete – Bo Jackson!
35. Best Local Celebrity – The guy who poisoned the trees? or our racist governor? or our mayor who wants to censor things?
36. Best Hidden Gem – no sir.
37. Best Must-see Spot for Visitors – Security at the Bham airport? (think about it)
38. Best Festival or Community Event – these are a thing?
39. Favorite SEC Opponent – This seems like a contradiction of sorts.
40. Favorite Spring Sport – this is getting boring.
41. Best Church Choir – what kind of person fills out this whole thing?
42. Best Music Venue – Over 40 questions?
43. Best Bar for Students – What are they thinking?
44. Man, fuck this shit. There are like 20 more questions. Not gonna happen.